New Site, Same Humor

10 Jul

My long layoff is now over and the day you didn’t even you know you’d been waiting for has finally arrived! From this point on, all of my posts will be on borderlinefunny.com.  I, along with fellow blogger, Everett Bracken, have created this site that will be chock full of updated content each week, including posts on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  We’re also looking forward to offering our writing services to those who would like to reap the benefits of our attempts at comedy.  Same humor, same posts, just lots more of it on a new site!  For those of you thinking that once a week was already too much, I apologize.

Thanks so much to all of the loyal My Unconventional Insight followers and I look forward to sharing Borderline Funny with you in the years to come.  Make sure to subscribe on the new site so you won’t miss anything and share it with others so they won’t miss anything either (we made it easy for you, just check out the site).

Secure your place in history by checking out the first ever post for more details and hopefully a few laughs:

borderlinefunny.com

Start the Hype

3 Jun

First of all, apologies to all the loyal blog followers out there for not having a post over the past few weeks.  Once again, my real job got in the way of my mindless ranting.  I know, what a shame it is to deprive the world of such pure enjoyment.  For those of you who were wondering, I do, in fact,  have a career outside of my weekly blog posts, as hard as that may be to imagine.

The main purpose of today’s post is to let you know that My Unconventional Insight will be undergoing some major changes and there will be an announcement about this coming later this summer.  So, while there won’t be any posts for the next several weeks, please stay tuned, and let’s start the hype! . . . Yes, I’m aware that you don’t really know what you’re starting the hype for, but don’t let that get in your way.  Start the hype and the answers will follow!

Taste of the Good Life

13 May

PUBLIC DISS-ENT

It’s a universal fact that no one likes being dissed.  Whether a friend clicks the Ignore button when you call (and you can clearly see her in line ahead of you at the store), or you say “Hello” to somebody in the hall and get snubbed, being dissed can be a humiliating experience.  One of the most prevalent examples of this public disgrace can occur while trying to give a high-five.  Since the video below contains not only a high-five diss, but also a mascot (I try to incorporate mascots into the blog whenever I can), I thought it was a good idea to share (for the full effect, try to watch the full screen version):

Come to think of it, what is a mascot doing at a track meet anyway?

EAT AT YOUR OWN RISK

The employees at an out-of-town Jersey Mike’s sandwich shop I went to told me a customer often calls ahead and places a questionably healthy special order.  This “special” order involves getting a giant-sized sub (14 inches) with double meat, then asking for the bread to be hollowed out inside.  Take a moment to picture a sub roll with the bread inside carved out and ask yourself this question:  Why does he want it to be hollowed out?  Well, that’s easy . . . he simply wants the inside to be completely filled with creamy mayonnaise.  Nothing like a delicious mayo canoe for lunch to get your afternoon started out on the right foot.  I’m not here to judge others based on their poor eating habits, because I do a pretty bad job in this department myself, but I can honestly say that I’ve never considered 10 oz. of a condiment inside my sandwich as an option.

Picture This as Bread and Fill 'er Up

GRAND PRIZE LOSER

Many times for a promotion, professional sports teams will have contests that let fans compete for the chance to win prizes and allow them to have their “15 minutes of fame.”  One contest, in particular, just happened in New Orleans during the first round of the NBA playoffs.  During halftime of one of the Hornets’ games against the Lakers, a lucky fan was called out of his seat and given the opportunity to shoot a half-court shot in front of 25 thousand screaming onlookers.  If he made it, he would win the grand prize.  Amidst all the excitement and jubilation of being selected for the shot, he pulled himself together, gathered his nerves and heaved up the ball from just behind the half court line.  The ball left his hands on target, arched high, approached the basket, and . . . nothing but net!  He nailed the shot!  The arena went crazy and the fan could barely believe what he’d just done.  This was truly a once in a lifetime shot.  He threw his hands in the air, shouting with excitement.  All there was to do now was to await his prize.  Surely a half-court shot, made at the venue of a lucrative professional sports franchise would warrant an enviable reward.  $10,000?  A new car?  Free season tickets?  His mind raced wildly.  All of those would’ve been logical choices, but the good folks at the Hornets franchise instead opted to reward this fan with . . . a year’s supply of Sprite.  They also estimated that a year’s supply was approximately 182 cans (about one every other day).  Using an estimate of $0.50 per can, the total value comes to a measly $91.  Now, I’m not one to scoff at $91 worth of food or beverage, but considering that most people at the arena probably paid 3 times that for their ticket, something doesn’t seem right here.  I think the nicest word that comes to mind is “frugal.”  Maybe bad management decisions like this contributed to the Hornets being bounced in the first round.

As a side note, I’m guessing that the guy who orders the mayo canoe sandwiches would strongly disagree that 182 cans of Sprite would suffice as a year’s supply.

Here You Go, You Earned It

Numbers Game

29 Apr

POWER-FUL WORDS

Over the years, if you happen to have spent any time at all with our good friend, Mr. Television, then you’ve undoubtedly been hit with an ongoing barrage of car commercials.  In viewing a number of these commercials myself, something finally hit me:  What, or who, in the world is JD Power and Associates?  Almost every car commercial ends by saying “We’re proudly rated #1 by JD Power and Associates.”  OK, that’s great, but most people have no idea what JD stands for or if Power is a statement of strength or someone’s last name. If people don’t even know the answer to those questions, then they definitely have no idea who Mr. or Mrs. Power’s Associates are.

Big Deal, I Can Make Up an Award Too

 

ROUGH DRAFT

The NFL Draft is perhaps the most ridiculously overhyped spectacle in all of sports.  I honestly think the only reason people talk or care about it at all is that nothing else is on any sports related tv or radio shows from mid-March through late-April.  For the last week, I’d say the breakdown of sports coverage on these shows has gone something like this: 
 
NHL Playoffs1%  That’s still too much coverage, by the way.  If you ask me, there should be a decimal and a few 0’s in front of that 1%. 

Major League Baseball5%  Excitement to start the year with early season surprises and long-term predictions.  Here’s a prediction:  The season is a million games long and lasts for 3/4 of the calendar year so every single team will go through extended slumps where they play horribly and extended upswings where they are great.  Don’t dissect the situation too much after 3% of the games have been played. 

NBA Playoffs5%  All joking aside, I must say these have been the most exciting NBA playoffs I’ve ever seen.  My unusually high investment in the playoffs could stem from the fact that I’ve watched almost every play of the 1st round since I was sidelined on the couch after surgery. 

NFL Draft88%  What player is going to what team?  What positions does each team need to fill?  What defensive standout has the most upside?   Which owner blew his nose with a tissue instead of a handkerchief?  Which player presents the most risk?  What size cleats does each quarterback wear?  Which wide receiver can simultaneously juggle 5 bowling pins, ace the SAT, and run a 4.3 second 40-yard dash?  These questions and more have been asked and answered every day by 100 different “experts.”

Pointless Banter1%  Yes, this number should be a lot higher, but I miscalculated my projections and got to the last item on my list with only 1 measly percentage point to spare.  Yes, I am aware that this blog is mostly pointless banter as well.  Aaaaaah, pointless banter.  You are truly the spice of life.
 
Even as I was typing this post I got an email offering an NFL app for my smart phone (which I don’t have) and I quickly visited another site and saw a pop-up ad for NFL Draft 2011 memorabilia.  Draft memorabilia?  Really?  Is some dude out there going to buy a logo mug and visor to commemorate the 12 hours he spent in the recliner watching a grown man call names from a podium, followed by handshakes with a bunch of guys wearing XXXXXL suits that cost $20,000?  The 1st 10 picks are fairly interesting, but after that, the show is over.  No NFL Draft hoodie for me, thanks.  Memorabilia is supposed to be for something you want to remember, right?  I’d rather forget it by the weekend.

Less Draft, More Pointless Banter Please

Tool of the Trade

22 Apr

PRE-MEDITATED STUPIDITY

The young man in this video might want to prepare a little bit more the next time he attempts armed burglary.  Admittedly, I have no experience in this field, but I would probably think things through enough to put my mask on before entering the store:

SIDE EFFECTS

As I mentioned last Friday, I just had surgery last week to repair a hernia . . . so, I have that going for me.  I’ve spent the last week doing nothing productive except trying to heal (unless you count attempting not to scream like a little girl every time I sit up in bed or slightly bend to pick something up as “productive”). 

Here are some of the best things about recovering from surgery for a full week:

1)  15 out of 24 hours of each day are spent on the couch.

2)  Since I’m prohibited from typical physical tasks such as lifting, bending and twisting for about 6 weeks, I get to use a Nifty Nabber (not made up, this is really the awesome name of the product).  They’re not just for 85 year-olds anymore, folks!  As my wife puts it, the Nabber resembles a pair of giant tweezers, and I’m convicned there’s nothing it cannot do.  I’ve really just been living the last 10 years of my life looking for an excuse to have one of these devices, and now my dream is finally realized.

Nifty Nabber, How Did I Live Without You?

3)  As I’m on the computer most of the day with nothing else to do, I get to find out who is off task at work by seeing who updates their Facebook page during regular work hours.  For a few minimal payments I will not notify the proper authorities.  Sure, you could claim it was during your lunch break, but I’ve never had lunch breaks at 9:30, 11:15, 2:07, 3:41, and 4:59 before.  4:59, huh?  You really couldn’t wait that extra 1 minute, when you’d be off the company dollar, to let the world know you were “Going to the Gym” or “Meeting my BFF for pizza!”  I’m pretty sure no one really cares about that activity except for your so-called BFF, and you’ll be seeing her in 5 minutes anyway.

Here are some of the worst things about recovering from surgery for a full week:

1)  No matter how much I don’t want it to, Sportscenter keeps showing the same highlights over and over again.  Yes, the broadcasts from 9:00 AM to 3:00 PM are live, but apparently not much changes in the sports world in the late morning hours.  I guess that’s where prime time programming gets you.   The major TV networks really don’t consider those of us who are temporarily homebound as an important demographic.

2)  I get to spend 15 out of each 24 hours on the couch – this is on the “best” and “worst” list because it is both a blessing and a curse.

3)  I feel like I’m getting stabbed when I try to stand up or slightly adjust my seated position.  No one likes being stabbed, so this is a no brainer for the “worst” list.

As the weeks go on, I’m sure I’ll be able to regale you with more exciting tales from my experiences under the surgeon’s knife.  As for right now, I’m just trying to remember what “outside” looks like.

I Think That's Called a "Tree"

More Food For Thought

15 Apr

We’ll start out this week with a short video, because seeing someone else do something that’s less than smart makes us feel better about ourselves.  One would think this fine gentleman would’ve thought about just opening the door before trying the Seagal-style kicking option.  But, hey, where’s the fun in that?:

 

GOOD NEWS . . . BAD NEWS

GOOD NEWS:  I get to take the day off work on Friday.

BAD NEWS:  The reason I’m taking off work is because I’m having hernia surgery.  So, given the fact that I’ll be unconscious for a few hours, then I’ll be groggy and hopped up on pain meds the rest of the day, it will not be a normal Friday at home.  Although, now that I’ve described it, my day doesn’t sound too bad after all.

On Second Thought, Work Might Be Better

GOOD NEWS . . . The NBA Playoffs are almost here, meaning that the teams will actually compete and play like they care about winning.

BAD NEWS . . .  The NBA Playoffs seem to last longer than the entire regular season.  5 rounds of multi-game series’ takes almost 2 months, and by that time most folks have completely lost interest.  The only redeeming quality of such a long playoff system is that this delays the start of a long summer of nothing but bats hitting balls on ESPN, and analysts talking about ridiculous, hypothetical football scenarios that are still months away.

TO EAT OR NOT TO EAT?

If I lose you in the first few sentences of this post, then I completely understand.  Remember, I’m about to have some surgery done, so may brain is working at an extreme level of bizarreness (this post might make you think I started taking the pain meds a day early).  Here is my philosophical question for the day:  If food had thoughts and feelings, would it want to be eaten?  Let me explain a little more so my question makes more sense (“sense” is a relative term). I assume that the ultimate goal of a food item is to be delicious.  Filet mignon, gourmet supreme pizzas, and delectable double cheeseburgers likely reign supreme in the food realm.  But, if you are a food that is delicious, that also means you will be eaten more quickly.  Rotten bananas and stale toast, while gross, survive much longer in the world, and may never be eaten.  Does being eaten signify a quality existence and you’re ecstatic to be eaten and enjoyed, or does it signify an untimely, and sad, demise?  Given the latter, maybe food would rather be disgusting than delicious.  If you have any feedback on this very important, and engaging topic, please let me know.  You can thank me later for helping to increase your overall cognitive food awareness.  I’m really just scratching the surface of my thoughts on this, but I’ll save my other thoughts for a later date.

. . . To re-confirm, the answer to your inevitable question is “No,” I have not taken any prescription pain medication yet.

If These Meals Could Talk . . .

Interrogation Room

1 Apr

Life is full of questions.  In this week’s post, I have a lot of questions myself.  Maybe you know the answers to some of them and can help me out.  Enjoy:

GAS-AHOLIC

These days, getting gas is a painstaking process, and not just because of the price.  The amount of questions I have to answer at the pump makes me feel like I’m taking the SAT.  Sure, the questions aren’t quite as difficult (at least I get a few right and the correct answer is not always “C”), but the sheer volume of questions is eerily similar.  Paying at the pump was supposed to make things easier and more convenient, but that is debatable at this point.  The plus side is that I don’t have to go inside the store, but the negative side is that I have to answer the following questions: 

Debit or Credit?  Uh, not sure, does it really actually matter?  Let’s go with credit this time for fun.

Please Enter Zip Code:  Whoa, you want my zip code? That’s kind of a personal question.  I’ll have to check my license for that . . . wow, that’s an old jacket I’m wearing in my license photo (see DMV DAZE post below).

Would You Like a Receipt?:  I seriously wish I needed a receipt because that would mean I was turning it in for some reimbursement.  No thanks, as it will only add to the already jammed trash compactor otherwise known as my glove box.

Would You Like a Car Wash?:  Let me use this opportunity to ask you a question, Mr. Gas Pump.  Why in the world would I agree to have an extra 10 bucks siphoned from my wallet on top of the $50 I just spent?  I’m just hoping that what I just spent doesn’t cause my checking account to over draft.  With that in mind, having multiple robotic arms attached to wet wash cloths scratch and ding up my rapidly deteriorating automobile is not at the top of my list.

Would You Like to Add a Drink to your Gas Purchase?:  Yes.  Yes, I would.

 
 
 
 
 

Gas Pump or Game of 20 Questions?

 

 DMV DAZE

Who knew that the DMV also served as a wardrobe check?  I recently came to the conclusion that I needed to upgrade my attire when I noticed I was wearing the same clothes in my old license photo as I was at my renewal.  Hmmmmmmm . . . aren’t licenses good for a looooong time before you have to renew?  Well, maybe I’m just too dapper for my own good.  Instead of wearing things that are out of style, I wear things back into style.

Please Show Me to the Dressing Room

 

 

PLAY BALL . . . for an extremely long period of time

Baseball season is finally underway!  Oh no, my team lost today! . . . Only 161 more games for them to get back on track.  Are 162 games really necessary?  Wouldn’t half of that number, a still astronomical 81, really be enough to determine which teams were the best?  I know that it’s all about money, but maybe the stadiums would actually be full if fans didn’t know they could just catch one of the other hundred and a half contests later in the year.

Clearly, Not Everyone is Ready for Opening Day

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